first blog post

29 of May, 2025

after a whirlwind of effort fueled by the searing need to do SOMETHING FIX ANYTHING when shit gets so bad and im just completely helpless to it, i recreated the home screen of the website i made 2 years ago (2023). I don't think I actually changed much of anything though? I wanted to make it more accessible, considering how confronting the seemingly endless discovery of my own accessibility requirements has been, but I think I did almost everything the exact same, just actually using CSS instead of the TAGS (it was BRUTAL in there but by god do I run as far as i can when i find given one thing i can do, even if it makes it near impossible to touch itself and also anything else ever. still practising, i just haven't had the same capacity to take it all in since ive crashed and burned and flared up to a harder degree than ever before. Ironically, while I'm so confronted with the gaping voids in my foundational growth, neglected and tearing as I've been working so hard to cover for their absence, I do feel better taken care of than ever before. Loved genuinely unconditionally, its very vulnerable and terrifying. Its getting better but having to acknowledge how bad everything feels and I have just been so cushioned from reality for so long in order to just bounce off of whatever i direct myself at cos thats the only way i can reach it. theres nothing up here controlling things its point and send because anything closer means noticing pain and dizziness and nausea and all the many things that would stop me from being able to move AT ALL. Its very very clumsy and painful, just because my brain isn't fully aware, my body isn't actually padded, thats my flesh taking the impacts. It's not taking it well. What does this have to do with websites and coding and blogs??? Idk, my brain is an exhausted slurry of sensation, years of supressed memory triggered all at once like a rainbow oil slick clinging and choking my thoughts before they can even begin to grow. Throw the pain and exhaustion of whatever the FUCK is happening to my body (what has possibly always been happening??) on top like a lit match. So I guess I want an accessible blog? yeah idk. im just tired, i wish so much of my time wasn't taken up by resting